I’ve always known I was an incredibly selfish, scared, and insecure person. I’m [somewhat] amazed at how I’m still learning that there are even more layers of this selfishness, fearfulness, and insecurity being revealed. Like layers of thin fabric being pulled off.

The beauty of this weekend is that this is the ultimate weekend of forgiveness and grace. They say that suffering leads to perseverance, which leads to character, which brings hope. The hope I have this weekend is for God to renew me and to not only reveal my messy side, but to also reveal who He has created me to be. (Because Lord knows I have yet to reach that destination.)

Last night, there was a discussion among my friends on the scene from the Garden of Gethsemane (which, by the way, my parents just returned from — how awesome is that?). In this part of the Gospel story, Jesus and his disciples have just finished the Last Supper and go to this garden to pray. Well, Jesus goes to pray. He tells the disciples to stay where they are and pray also while he goes on a bit further to be alone and seek God.

Jesus goes about a stone’s throw ahead of them, kneels down, and earnestly speaks to God. I won’t be able to express this adequately, but note that he’s about to be captured, brutally tortured, and hung to die a humiliating and public death, all the while innocent. And he fully knows this is going to happen. And that most of the world will never appreciate the truth behind his death. So, unsurprisingly, he’s in anguish (understatement).

When Jesus returns to the disciples, they’re sleeping. Having gone to many a prayer session at my New York City church, I can attest that this is not an uncommon incident among believers. Jesus then asks them again to stay alert and to pray in order to avoid temptation. He leaves once again, and when he returns, they’re sleeping…again. I’m unsure as to how many times this happens — maybe just twice, perhaps three times. But basically, Jesus is about to die for the salvation of these fools, and they’re snoozing away. (The analogy to our own lives here is not lost on me, don’t worry.)

So one question that arose when discussing this was, what temptation are they supposed to be avoiding? I have several thoughts on this, but we came to an understanding that it was the temptation to sleep — which I felt had a deeper layer to it. After all, sleep is a good thing that God blessed us with (rest, Sabbath day, etc.).

Maybe the disciples had food coma, or maybe it was just really late. But in Luke, it notes that the disciples slept because they were exhausted from sorrow. Initially, I had glazed over that phrase while reading, but someone last night pointed it out specifically. He said that when we feel turmoil or sorrow, we tend to prefer to sleep it away — at least for some of us. The temptation to escape sorrow through sleeping. Or, as this person said, the temptation of choosing numbness as our solution.

It occurred to me then that this was exactly how I operate. I thought about the darker days in my life — those days when I have what I call episodes — and my automatic thought is to lay in bed and never get up again. To sleep or lay in numbness.

It also occurred to me though that in those moments, if and when I choose to even briefly think about God, I can’t just lay there. It is impossible for me to desire numbness while thinking about Jesus. It is even more impossible to remain in numbness or sorrowful sleep when I am actively engaging with Him — as in prayer or worship.

I’m not sure where I am going with this, but I felt the need to record this down. That I am tempted to avoid pain and sorrow by choosing numbness, but that the cure for this numbness and desire for escape is really Jesus.

Obviously, if one doesn’t truly know Jesus then one would not find thinking of him to be very helpful in these moments. But for me, the truth of salvation is very much present in my life, and this mini epiphany about numbing sleep was a great reminder for me of this hope and joy that I have in knowing Him, who brings me every day out of my own darkness.

That is all.

Even though I rarely write anymore, it’s not difficult to see that I’ve been struggling with living an inspired life lately. “Lately” being a very vague timeframe. But for some reason, I feel it again; I feel hungry and excited and restless — all in a renewed way. I think it’s been brewing for some time, and this past week just tipped it over.

This was one of the shortest international trips I’ve ever taken, and it was to two cities I wouldn’t really consider to be life-changing places. I didn’t do anything particularly special — visited some tourist spots, walked through markets, ate really great food, glimpsed into the life of the luxurious — yet something just clicked in my mind. Maybe it was the company that I had. Traveling with inspired people can inspire you, even if you’re just sitting on the metro.

Now I just need to figure out these bits of emotions that are making me itch for something and what to do with them…

• Read more. More novels, more short pieces, more books on spirituality, more of the Bible, and maybe even the Koran and other texts.
• Listen to more sermons.
• Actually write in this blog.
• Go on photo adventures around the city. And upload the photos. And post them. (That last one is a really foreign concept to me, apparently. Uh, Thailand/India 2011? The Internet knows naught.)
• Write.
• Create, design, decorate.
• Post-it notes & prayer wall.
• Wellness! Exercise, running, circuit training, meditation.
• Meet up with more people with more intention.
• Practice the ukulele.
• Practice the harmonica.
• Practice tricks on my hula hoop.
• Do something that stimulates my brain — like Scrabble or Sudoku or something.

I’m sure there’s plenty more. Plenty.

I was trying to find a set of photos I took on the day I got my dog. Too lazy to find my external drive, I perused my previous blogs. As expected, I came across an interesting look into my past life. It was very similar to remembering a hazy dream.

I’ve kept an online account of my life (a way to record stories, adventures, musings, etc.) for a long time. Well over a decade now. It’s had its up and downs, but for the most part in my last blog, it was pretty chipper. And I wrote lengthy posts — about late-night misadventures; making friends with strangers at a cafe, on the train, in a stairwell; the first time I saw my dad cry; silly and funny conversations with friends; etc. On occasion, my thoughts on something serious happening in some part of the world.

And then at some point, the thoughtful and positive posts began to dwindle, and the novel-length entries ceased completely. If anyone were to read my last blog (and thankfully it’s not viewable to the public anymore), one could see a clear downward progression. It was clear that that year was the worst year of my life — in a dull-cutting kind of way.

As I was reading through the rollercoaster of posts (maybe “schizophrenic posts” would be more accurate actually), all I could think was, “What happened to me?” I thought back on the earlier entries I had read, before I hit the spiral. So positive, so excited about everything in life, and most importantly so intentional with my life. I was living on purpose.

Living on purpose. That’s what I’m returning to. I have to. I like pre-2009 Gabrielle so much better than current-2013 Gabrielle. There is no doubt in my mind that I was a better person then than I am now. So much better. So I’m going to remind myself to live intentionally and be excited again. And somehow move forward — from everything.

(That may or may not mean the novels will return.)

is one of the most difficult things to do. And I feel like I’m constantly doing this.

I voted early this morning already, but I’m aware of the reality that my vote doesn’t really matter.

So, since it’s election day today (yay!), I figured I’d share some old but good videos that explain how our votes do and don’t count. (This is mostly for Mark.)

Starting with: TED Talk by Christina Greer — “Does your vote count?”
Good, basic, straight forward explanation of how the electoral college works…

 
But let’s be real. There are some even trickier parts. So here’s a slightly more troubling video by Grey (isn’t he great at explaining things?), explaining how the electoral college works in a bit more detail — including how there’s a good chunk of American citizens who CAN NOT vote. At all. And how some votes are more equal than others.

 
And lastly, another Grey video. Much snarkier, but pretty persuasive. “The Trouble with the Electoral College,” aka why this system needs to be abolished.

 
So there! Happy voting today, everyone. Regardless of what happens, let’s just remember to be responsible citizens of this country and of this earth.

Sometimes, all you can do is exercise integrity. It’s not always going to make things better, and it’s not always going to make others act with more integrity or even respond positively. In fact, oftentimes, it will have little tangible impact. But it’s what should be done. Your own integrity is the only thing you can control, so act with it and leave everything else.

I lift up my eyes to the hills—
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord,
the Maker of heaven and earth.

He will not let your foot slip—
he who watches over you will not slumber;
indeed, he who watches over Israel
will neither slumber nor sleep.

The Lord watches over you—
the Lord is your shade at your right hand;
the sun will not harm you by day,
nor the moon by night.

The Lord will keep you from all harm—
he will watch over your life;
the Lord will watch over your coming and going
both now and forevermore.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.