As of late, God has been giving me so many opportunities (even more so than usual) to love people in the fullest ways He’s called us to, and to rely even more on Him to love beyond what I am humanly capable of. I really hope I can take hold of these situations — both for my own benefit and for the benefit of those I am trying to love.

Some people have told me that I shouldn’t be making any major decisions right now in my life. Others have told me I should make all these major changes because it’s the opportune time to.

Decisions to make in the next few days, weeks, months.

• Small group changes and other ministry involvement.
• Career opportunities and choices.
• Tattoo picks.
• Upcoming travel plans.
• Next hula hoop purchase.

Oh, the frazzlement. Should be writing an analysis on tied aid and food security instead of making these silly lists and overthinking life!

I hate when the these teams play each other. It seems so trivial, but it makes me so sad. It’s in these hidden ways that I try to prove that I’m still rooting for you. As if your life — physical and spiritual — was contingent on who I crossed my fingers for. It’s so silly.

But I guess when we feel desperation, anguish, a deep need for hope, we tend to cling on to anything we can, even if it is extremely silly.

(Though Who we really ought to be grasping for is anything but a silly notion.)

This seems oh so dramatic.

Given the right conditions, I’m fairly certain I could run forever.

 
I had planned to spend tonight as a “spa night.” Do a facial, paint my nails, sip some wine or whiskey, read my Kindle…and maybe watch some X-Men cartoons (okay, that last part doesn’t fit well, but that’s okay).

Instead, I saw Andrew Garfield and Emma Stone, laughed and joked with some crew men on set, got irritatingly hit on by a Tarheel, discussed the casting for the Marvel movies with a stranger, and made new friends (and followers!) all while standing in pretty much the same spot for nearly two hours.

And then ran into an old & new acquaintance on the subway ride home.

New York is so funny like that.

“A stranger is just a friend I haven’t met yet.” – Will Rogers

I love those. It’s really amazing how a subtle scent can flood you with emotions.

When I walked out of my office building today, the smokey smell on the street brought me back to my early morning rooftop sitting sessions in the Dominican Republic. Getting up early to see the sun rising over the tree-covered hills (mountains?) and just breathing in the smell of the [heavy] breakfast being prepared downstairs by Doña and the older women in the village. That rooftop remains one of my favorite places I’ve ever been in my life. Sitting up there at 6am, with the annoying roosters crowing. Just breathing in everything (except that one time when the kids left too many mangos on the rooftop and they began to rot in the heat). And the evenings as the sun set, again just sitting there and staring over the beautiful green hills (mountains?) and waiting for the shooting stars to come out.

Now if only the weather and temperature here in NYC would match up a bit more too.

Bueno es alabarte Jehová
Y cantar salmos a tu nombre
Anunciar por la mañana
Tu misericordia
Y tu fidelidad de noche

I’ve always known I was an incredibly selfish, scared, and insecure person. I’m [somewhat] amazed at how I’m still learning that there are even more layers of this selfishness, fearfulness, and insecurity being revealed. Like layers of thin fabric being pulled off.

The beauty of this weekend is that this is the ultimate weekend of forgiveness and grace. They say that suffering leads to perseverance, which leads to character, which brings hope. The hope I have this weekend is for God to renew me and to not only reveal my messy side, but to also reveal who He has created me to be. (Because Lord knows I have yet to reach that destination.)

What is: Immediately after ending a long relationship?

Trebek says correct.

Last night, there was a discussion among my friends on the scene from the Garden of Gethsemane (which, by the way, my parents just returned from — how awesome is that?). In this part of the Gospel story, Jesus and his disciples have just finished the Last Supper and go to this garden to pray. Well, Jesus goes to pray. He tells the disciples to stay where they are and pray also while he goes on a bit further to be alone and seek God.

Jesus goes about a stone’s throw ahead of them, kneels down, and earnestly speaks to God. I won’t be able to express this adequately, but note that he’s about to be captured, brutally tortured, and hung to die a humiliating and public death, all the while innocent. And he fully knows this is going to happen. And that most of the world will never appreciate the truth behind his death. So, unsurprisingly, he’s in anguish (understatement).

When Jesus returns to the disciples, they’re sleeping. Having gone to many a prayer session at my New York City church, I can attest that this is not an uncommon incident among believers. Jesus then asks them again to stay alert and to pray in order to avoid temptation. He leaves once again, and when he returns, they’re sleeping…again. I’m unsure as to how many times this happens — maybe just twice, perhaps three times. But basically, Jesus is about to die for the salvation of these fools, and they’re snoozing away. (The analogy to our own lives here is not lost on me, don’t worry.)

So one question that arose when discussing this was, what temptation are they supposed to be avoiding? I have several thoughts on this, but we came to an understanding that it was the temptation to sleep — which I felt had a deeper layer to it. After all, sleep is a good thing that God blessed us with (rest, Sabbath day, etc.).

Maybe the disciples had food coma, or maybe it was just really late. But in Luke, it notes that the disciples slept because they were exhausted from sorrow. Initially, I had glazed over that phrase while reading, but someone last night pointed it out specifically. He said that when we feel turmoil or sorrow, we tend to prefer to sleep it away — at least for some of us. The temptation to escape sorrow through sleeping. Or, as this person said, the temptation of choosing numbness as our solution.

It occurred to me then that this was exactly how I operate. I thought about the darker days in my life — those days when I have what I call episodes — and my automatic thought is to lay in bed and never get up again. To sleep or lay in numbness.

It also occurred to me though that in those moments, if and when I choose to even briefly think about God, I can’t just lay there. It is impossible for me to desire numbness while thinking about Jesus. It is even more impossible to remain in numbness or sorrowful sleep when I am actively engaging with Him — as in prayer or worship.

I’m not sure where I am going with this, but I felt the need to record this down. That I am tempted to avoid pain and sorrow by choosing numbness, but that the cure for this numbness and desire for escape is really Jesus.

Obviously, if one doesn’t truly know Jesus then one would not find thinking of him to be very helpful in these moments. But for me, the truth of salvation is very much present in my life, and this mini epiphany about numbing sleep was a great reminder for me of this hope and joy that I have in knowing Him, who brings me every day out of my own darkness.

That is all.

Even though I rarely write anymore, it’s not difficult to see that I’ve been struggling with living an inspired life lately. “Lately” being a very vague timeframe. But for some reason, I feel it again; I feel hungry and excited and restless — all in a renewed way. I think it’s been brewing for some time, and this past week just tipped it over.

This was one of the shortest international trips I’ve ever taken, and it was to two cities I wouldn’t really consider to be life-changing places. I didn’t do anything particularly special — visited some tourist spots, walked through markets, ate really great food, glimpsed into the life of the luxurious — yet something just clicked in my mind. Maybe it was the company that I had. Traveling with inspired people can inspire you, even if you’re just sitting on the metro.

Now I just need to figure out these bits of emotions that are making me itch for something and what to do with them…